In my previous post I made the offhand remark that the United States could probably beat up Canada. Apparently this remark didn’t sit so well with some of my Canadian friends, who felt compelled to vigorously defend both their country and their honor.So, to settle the question once and for all, I put together this exhaustive, comprehensive, all-inclusive list, citing 10 reasons that the US of A could beat up Canada. Before I say any more, it should be noted that in the summer of 2003 I actually spent three months living in Canada, which practically makes me an expert on the country. So, without any further ado, here are my 10 reasons that the United States could put a beating on Canada.1.
The front of our one dollar bill shows a picture of our fearless first president, George Washington, who gave the British a royal beat down. The front of the Canadian one dollar coin
shows a picture of a duck. Actually it’s a loon, which is why the coin is called a “loonie”. Need I say any more?2.
Two words: Chuck Norris
3. Canada is ruled by a queen. We on the other hand have a guy from Texas who likes to eat his meat raw. AND, our vice president is known for shooting people. I’ll take W over Queen Elizabeth in a cage match any day.
4. We have Jason Bourne, Jack Bauer, and Rocky. Canada has…mounties? You’d think they could at least come up with a better name.
5. The Canadian military currently has approximately 65,000 troops. The US has approximately 1.3 million. Of course our troops aren’t called “mounties”, which does make a significant difference.
6. A significant portion of our population enjoys watching race cars go in circles at 200 mph for up to 500 laps. That says dedication. This same population enjoys shooting things.
7. We invented the Big Mac, the Whopper, the Super Size, and the 64 oz Slurpee. Of course this is also why we need privatized health care, but that’s besides the point.
8. Unlike Canada, and the rest of the world, we refuse to go metric. We don’t want to use a system where everything divides nicely into 10’s, 100’s, and 1000’s. No, we would rather remember figures like 5,280 feet and 16 oz.
9. Our national anthem is entitled “The Star Spangled Banner”, a stirring title that evokes patriotism and pride from even the most cynical heart. The Canadians managed to come up with the creative title “O Canada” for their national anthem.
10. Us Christians carry around large, oversized study Bibles, that weigh somewhere between 50 and 300 pounds (not kilos). If necessary, these could be used as weapons (in a loving and gentle way).
Well, I think that settles it once and for all. A careful examination of the evidence clearly indicates that the United States could beat the bacon out of Canada if necessary. But we love our Canadian friends and only wish them the best. Just stay away from our Big Macs…
10. Americans are fatter than Canadians. Fully 50% of Americans are overweight compared to 33.33% of Canadians. That means we are faster and nimbler in close hand-to-hand combat. Not only that, but we take less time to eat so we don’t need as many soldiers.
9. Canadians spend 10 months of the year very cold. We know how to endure hardship and catch fish when there is ice.
8. Canadians are much quieter than Americans – ask any European! Thus, we can sneak up on people like fierce Ninja Warriors and take care of business. Chuck Norris makes more noise than a polar bear on steroids just walking to his car – easy target.
7. Have you ever fought a Queen? Crowns puncture.
6. Two words: Tim Horton’s
5. We have an endless supply of Maple Syrup, and as everyone knows, maple syrup comes from maple trees.
4. From an early age, all our young men are trained in the art of “jerseying.” For those of you who think you need to say the word, “ice” before “hockey,” that means flipping an opponents upper body outerwear over his head to cover his face in less than one quarter of a second. Obviously, this leaves the enemy combatant in a state of complete helplessness… a move I would be pleased to demonstrate on a young Altrogge as soon as possible.
3. Tim Challies. You think 1539 days of consecutive blogging is something? You haven’t seen anything yet. All we have to do is say the word and Tim will unleash his lightening fast hands to produce over 200 words per minute of new content onto the internet, thus crashing all U.S. military defense systems in less than 48 hours.
2. Everyone knows that Americans have very little sense of humour, so, in the event of an attempted beating we would simply bring all our Canadian comedians and artists back to Canada… and bore you to death. Well, almost all of our Canadian artists. You can keep William Shatner.
1. If you attempt to cross our long, undefended border, we will make you eat poutine. And visit Quebec.